A soundtrack for the hardest season of my life.

Harder than losing my siblings. Harder than anything I have ever walked through. And along the way I chose Jesus. Over and over again. And along the way He kept forming me more into His likeness. Stripping me to the bone. Riding me of fear. Attaching me to trusting Him.

Earned secure attachment. Not earned by effort. The opposite. Earned by choices of the will. And out of it these songs formed. First with journaling. Processing with Jesus. Feeling the worship rise up inside the journaling. Learning that He honors the choice for Him every single time. And every time more of Him forms within me.

These intimate times of struggle and fear and uncertainty. And yet He carried me all the way. He gave me a stronger base in Him to where I only want Him. And out of that I can trust whoever will or will not be in my life.

I could hear the song in my mind but I am not a musician other than picking up piano lessons along with my kids two years ago. So I started writing out the lyrics. Kept refining them. Then put them away. A year later I discovered Suno and thought maybe I could make a demo. Try to make the song I could hear for these lyrics and this story of walking it out with Christ. And sure enough when generating with the prompts of the genres I could hear it. Songs that matched the heart and soul and the struggle and the relief of a Jesus who does not give up.

He does not chase. He stays. He is always still here. He is always honoring our choice to turn to Him. To sing hymns during heartbreak. He is still here. And then He gives new mercy every morning. The morning after mercy is when the day before may have felt like hell and yet we realize the only way is surrender to Him time and time again.

Through tears I can also dance. Through mourning there will be dancing. In grief there is treasure. He is there. As Corrie ten Boom said, there is no place so deep and dark that Jesus Christ is not deeper still.

He has one heart and it is for us. So wherever you are in your story, know that Jesus and His love are there for you no matter how hopeless things may feel, no matter how compacted the shame feels, no matter how much you feel like He will not take you back or that your stuff is too much for Him.

It is not. It is actually His jam.

Out of that He will take one yes for Him and multiply it. He will take a man on his way to murder and torture followers of Christ and use him to carry and water the seed. He will take the deepest betrayal from his best friend and start His church. And along the way He will clean you up and walk with you every step of the way.

That is my Jesus. And this is my story of a season that will now be the ground I walk on with Him. I am more in stride with Him. I have discovered my truest self and yet I know I have not arrived in so many ways. This is just the beginning. I am always a white belt. And I know deeply that if He leads me to it He will lead me through. He will be right there next to me. Within me. Around me. Like that St. Patrick's Breastplate prayer.

He is mine and I am His. My life is not mine. It is His. He paid the ransom for me and the only way I can thank Him is my yes. Lord my life is yours. I follow. I hear. Shema.

(if you are curious about what this word means, please look into it)